Interpersonal Conflict

Personally, I have never enjoyed conflict. Unlike people who enjoy spats and the adrenaline rush from winning verbal challenges, I prefer to avoid such scenes as I find them unnecessarily draining. It never ceases to amaze me how people can turn non-issues into life threatening ones simply by misunderstanding others or simply not listening. Fights often turn ugly as people get irrational and throw emotions into the already jumbled up picture.

As much as I dislike conflict, it is inevitable and I have had my fair share. An incident somewhat closer to heart would be when my sister had to decide where she wanted to go to continue her studies after her Alevels.

My sister has always been the apple of my father’s eye. As a kid, she was smart. She aced her examinations, topped her classes and was the role model child. It was no surprise that my father had great plans for her. He envisioned her as a doctor, a lawyer, a ball busting auditor (essentially someone who would do great things with her life). The turning point came when she got involved in canoeing and her priorities changed. She was no longer satisfied with studying and good grades; she told my father she wanted more out of life. My father was confused, but he loved her and let her have her way. However, he put his foot down when she told him about taking up Sports Science as a career.

He misunderstood, thinking that she wanted to give up her studies to paddle. It wasn’t his fault for thinking that. She told him, “I want to study sports science because it’d free up a lot of time for me to paddle. I won’t have time to paddle if I study anything else”. Not knowing much about the sports scene in Singapore he thought it was suicide. He couldn’t understand why the daughter he thought was so smart wanted to throw it all away for something that would not be able to sustain her for her whole life. He told her that she was being selfish, and that she was throwing away all his effort in grooming her to become who she was. Shocked, she retaliated thinking that he wanted her to live her life for him, so he could live through her. She didn’t understand that he was confused and only wanted what was best for her.

He said she would have to pay her own way through university if she wanted to throw away all that talent. He told her she was stupid, and sheltered for not understanding that the world was a hard place, and people actually needed to work for their money. Furious, she told him to take his money and go to hell. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that her usually doting and understanding father had somehow morphed into an unreasonable tyrant. It didn't occur to her that it was his way of trying to sway her decision.

The fight ended then, and they refused to speak to each other after that. His pride prevented him from making the first move and her ego refused to let her apologize. She found work and made her money, it was not easy for her but she did it anyway.

The misunderstanding still stands and although my father is concerned about her, he refuses to explain himself and let her knows that he still cares about her well being. She in turn (thinking that he no longer cares about what she does) does anything she wants.

Unsure of what to do, my mother and I have simply been sitting and waiting for them to work things out. It is a spat between the two of them, and we feel like no one can do anything about it. My mother frets over the fact that father and daughter are no different from strangers, and I have no idea what to do about it. Could we have done anything? Would my father have understood better if my sister had taken the time to explain the reasons behind her choice instead of getting angry and defensive? How can they get past their barriers of pride and talk to each other? Can my mother and I do anything to alleviate the situation?